Thursday, August 27, 2009

Talk; No Action

If I did half the things that I said I would, I would already be the man I want to be. Focus and discipline and balance have haunted my dreams of progress. Although most people around me think it's just the opposite. But am I being too hard on myself or am I just being real with my short comings. I commit more time to things that are antithetical to me being a respectful man that I do to the things that make me successful.

Sometimes I feel like I just talk a good game to convince myself that I am doing all that I need to be doing. But I honesty don’t fee like I am. Hard work is just that; Hard Work! And when the only one pushing you is yourself, it makes it hard to subject yourself to grind stone that squeezes out every last bit of sweat, blood and tears. I understand the necessity and I understand the consequences. I understand the scarifies and I understand the rewards. But internal issues based in lack of confidence and needing to be validated and wanted have served as the ultimate wrench of my mechanism.

If I could only do half the things I say I will; I will be twice the man I am today. I have this knowledge of my own faults just to serve as an additional punishment for my disobedience. Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is a burden before it can be a liberator. If only for the purpose of being a burden so heavy that eventually, my desire to be rid of it will be greater than my desire to repeat the same self defeating course of action.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Life as a poker Game

Feeling overwhelmed and lost, I drove out to a remote part of Virginia to just sit and gather my thoughts. After an influx of calls, text messages and emails, I turned of my phone and turned to my consistent problem solvers. My pen and my pad. Here is what resulted:

My pages have remained blank for far too long. My thoughts have been as shallow as puddles in the summer sun. Fighting with the duality existing in this one mind. Criticizing myself to avoid vanity; praising my self to avoid self disappointment.

Trying to find truth in life, while holding on to the lies that ease my struggle. Setting myself apart from the crowd because I realize it is mandatory for progress; but still comparing myself to the masses, adapting their ways in fear of complete isolation. Balancing living today like there is no tomorrow; with living like no one else will today, so I can live like no one else can tomorrow. Trying to find the joy in the struggle, the fulfillment in the sacrifice, the instant gratification in living for a bright future.

How do I find contentment without finding complacency? How much of my destiny is fantasy? If today really is the last day of my life, do I feel like I have lived it to the fullest? When I am gone will it even matter? Does it make more sense to plan for death or life?

I am far more certain that regret exists in old age than I am that it exists in death. So maybe I should live everyday like it’s that first day of my life instead of the life. So despite my previous actions and inherit iniquities, I have a chance to win the game. I just have to play the hand I am dealt each morning to the best of my abilities. Whether I have to play it straight up or bluff, I still have an equal chance at the pot.

Oh, the things that come to you when writing… feeling less overwhelmed

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

No opportunity wasted

Last year I shot my first commercial for J C Penny. With no acting experience, I was a little intimidated to say the least. So as I sat in my car trying to learn my lines, I took a break and wrote this. I just found this paper as I was cleaning my room...

God keeps putting you in positions for great opportunity and achievement. He has given you the tools to excel and the will to chose how you apply those tools. If you continue to waste or mis-use the opportunities he presents, then he might stop sending them. Why give a gift to someone who can not appreciate it.

Follow your dreams
Work hard
and leave it all on the field every time!

There is no championship without a victory in round one. Regardless of who you are or what the competition. This is no different in the race of life.

Don't waste today, because tomorrow may be stolen!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The normal insanity of the "New Black" culture

The “New Black Culture” (this might just be a DC term) has finally driven me to the point of outrage. Maybe there is something I am not comprehending… but the social construct of this new breed of young black professionals seems to be like pure insanity. So I ask the question… When did Insanity become so normal?

Here are a few things that are just crazy to me:

We spend money and credit (other people’s money that we have to pay interest on) we don’t have to buy clothes that we can’t afford and we don’t need. Then we get dressed up feeling good that we put ourselves in debt so that we can look like we have wealth. And to make it worse, the millionaire next door doesn’t even look like that. Mainly because their money is in the bank not on their back! Then we spend the night profiling, and show off. Like just we took time out of our lives to look at people and be seen at a certain event… The only time we loosen up is when we spend more money we don’t have on alcohol that is 200%-500% overpriced. Why, because that’s the only way we know how to have fun… So let me get this right… All this work, and all this money, just to go to a place that you would not have fun if you were not under the influence? And some how this normal behavior is considered sane!? But it’s ok because it is labeled “grown and sexy”. That is not a club… it’s a lounge that is too loud, a fashion show that is too dark, A play with too many characters on set and an AA meeting gone terribly wrong!

We spend an exorbitant amounts of money on Weddings to put on this show of a fairly tale. We celebrate the beginning of a strong union by crippling it in debt at the start.
We obsess over the size and cost of the ring as if any of this will make the marriage last longer!? Did we forget a time when couple just needed an old broom to jump over and lasted until death did them part? No months of stress over every detail… frantic brides and annoyed grooms up until the second before the “I do”. Then it’s time to come back from the honeymoon and start paying the bills for the Broadway production. And most marriages are ending in divorce as they find out that you can’t buy a happily every after and you sure as hell can’t charge it! Let the fantasy go, cuz it is really a nightmare in disguise.

Our children, just born, barley able to walk, has on the latest fashion. As if the kids at the nursery are going to tease them because their onesies are not name brand. I have no idea what I wore as a baby, and I can care less… So instead of investing in a college fund to aid their future education, we teach them lesson on materialism. We try to give the “best” to our children and consequently leave them with our worst. Our bad habits and our debts! They grow up and have us enslaved to appease their every desire and in turn we strip their confidence from their interior quality and place it in their exterior possessions. We argue with each other about household finances and still set our children up to be in the same boat. Because the appearance has always been more important than the reality right!?

“Blacks going to college to learn how to be slaves to the system”- Amaris (poet and lyricist) We take pride in our higher education, as we should. But why are we so pressed to get into a corporate system that was not designed for us? Venturing daily to an environment where we have to continually de-ethicize ourselves. Spending most of our day, being a “proper” version of ourselves so we can move up a ladder that expects a greater degree of “lightening” and “sophistication” with every step. When you are able to switch between being black and being a true professional, then you have reached “success”. Now we can’t even go back to the neighborhoods where our people live… We have lost touch. We can’t relate. We can’t reach back, so we turn our back, and pat ourselves on our backs because we think we have made it out. Made it from being a hundred dollar n&66*s living a thousand dollar lifestyle to a thousand dollar Negro in a million dollar lifestyle. Same shyt, just more to lose and even more already lost. Fear of losing everything has you even more enslaved to the corporate machine… Compromise of Authenticity and amnesia of your history has you already in a spiritual debt.

So I ask again… When did Insanity become so normal?

There is oh so much more… stay tuned

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Life sold in stores

I don’t know my ultimate purpose
But I believe that my pursuit is, in itself, a calling
My life has to be an example
By no stretch of the imagination do I consider myself a prophet
I am neither the most knowledgeable nor the wisest
But my greatest passion is to learn
And my greatest task is to teach
To make myself vulnerable so others may have strength
So let my mistakes be your lessons
And my triumphs be your inspiration

I long for the day when the status quo is not insanity
When the simplicity of a child’s thinking is the monarch of human behavior
When we do away with empty traditions and social doctrine
I long for the day when life makes sense
And more people are determined to live and not just exist
A day when common sense is more valuable that actual cents
A time when there is no standard besides individual uniqueness

"Now I am choosing life. I take the sacrifice. If everything must go then go. That's how I chose to live"- Lauryn Hill
I quote Lauryn a lot because I understand where she is
I can see why people label her as insane.
I can understand why she has chosen to move her attention outside the borders of this country.

If I have to get rid of everything I own, to get freedom and piece of mind... I am letting it all go!
I refuse to give up or give in
I have to live my life authentically an unapologetically
Not all will listen, but in time everyone will see
That my life had a purpose
Even if the entire time was spent looking for it
Because I chose life as it was created to be, not as it is packaged and sold in stores
I am not convincing people to understand with my words anymore
I am just going to live my life authentically and let my life be an example
All my faults, attributes, failures, mistakes, triumphs, shortcomings, and assets
Let them tell the story of a man who refused to conform to a way of life that deep down inside, most of us know can't be the way it was intended to be.

I cherish my percieved insanity

Popular Posts