Thursday, August 27, 2009

Talk; No Action

If I did half the things that I said I would, I would already be the man I want to be. Focus and discipline and balance have haunted my dreams of progress. Although most people around me think it's just the opposite. But am I being too hard on myself or am I just being real with my short comings. I commit more time to things that are antithetical to me being a respectful man that I do to the things that make me successful.

Sometimes I feel like I just talk a good game to convince myself that I am doing all that I need to be doing. But I honesty don’t fee like I am. Hard work is just that; Hard Work! And when the only one pushing you is yourself, it makes it hard to subject yourself to grind stone that squeezes out every last bit of sweat, blood and tears. I understand the necessity and I understand the consequences. I understand the scarifies and I understand the rewards. But internal issues based in lack of confidence and needing to be validated and wanted have served as the ultimate wrench of my mechanism.

If I could only do half the things I say I will; I will be twice the man I am today. I have this knowledge of my own faults just to serve as an additional punishment for my disobedience. Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge is a burden before it can be a liberator. If only for the purpose of being a burden so heavy that eventually, my desire to be rid of it will be greater than my desire to repeat the same self defeating course of action.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Life as a poker Game

Feeling overwhelmed and lost, I drove out to a remote part of Virginia to just sit and gather my thoughts. After an influx of calls, text messages and emails, I turned of my phone and turned to my consistent problem solvers. My pen and my pad. Here is what resulted:

My pages have remained blank for far too long. My thoughts have been as shallow as puddles in the summer sun. Fighting with the duality existing in this one mind. Criticizing myself to avoid vanity; praising my self to avoid self disappointment.

Trying to find truth in life, while holding on to the lies that ease my struggle. Setting myself apart from the crowd because I realize it is mandatory for progress; but still comparing myself to the masses, adapting their ways in fear of complete isolation. Balancing living today like there is no tomorrow; with living like no one else will today, so I can live like no one else can tomorrow. Trying to find the joy in the struggle, the fulfillment in the sacrifice, the instant gratification in living for a bright future.

How do I find contentment without finding complacency? How much of my destiny is fantasy? If today really is the last day of my life, do I feel like I have lived it to the fullest? When I am gone will it even matter? Does it make more sense to plan for death or life?

I am far more certain that regret exists in old age than I am that it exists in death. So maybe I should live everyday like it’s that first day of my life instead of the life. So despite my previous actions and inherit iniquities, I have a chance to win the game. I just have to play the hand I am dealt each morning to the best of my abilities. Whether I have to play it straight up or bluff, I still have an equal chance at the pot.

Oh, the things that come to you when writing… feeling less overwhelmed

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

No opportunity wasted

Last year I shot my first commercial for J C Penny. With no acting experience, I was a little intimidated to say the least. So as I sat in my car trying to learn my lines, I took a break and wrote this. I just found this paper as I was cleaning my room...

God keeps putting you in positions for great opportunity and achievement. He has given you the tools to excel and the will to chose how you apply those tools. If you continue to waste or mis-use the opportunities he presents, then he might stop sending them. Why give a gift to someone who can not appreciate it.

Follow your dreams
Work hard
and leave it all on the field every time!

There is no championship without a victory in round one. Regardless of who you are or what the competition. This is no different in the race of life.

Don't waste today, because tomorrow may be stolen!

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